EUTHANATOPIA

Robert W. Moore

May 6, 2010

A garden is a good place to die.

Why would one be entertaining thoughts that lead to such a conclusion?  For me, there are at least three reasons.

First, my wife is a hospice chaplain.  Every day she supports families and terminally ill patients who prefer to die at home rather than in an institutional setting.  This is tough work.  To support her, I listen to her stories about people who have made a definite choice about where they want to die.

Second, I recall loved ones in my family who died.  Except for those who died in accidents, virtually all of them died in hospitals or nursing homes.  I don’t intend to disparage those helping institutions, but those experiences were often pretty grim.  It’s hard to go through a bad experience in an alien environment.

Third, I’ve reached an age where the proximity of death imposes on my consciousness an awareness of its impending arrival.  I’ll only have one shot at this inevitability and I’d like to get it right.

Since death comes to all of us, it should come as no big surprise that some locations might be preferred over others for the occasion.

Consider some alternative settings to dying in a garden.  Hospital ICU?  Nursing home?  Battlefield?  Emergency room?  On the street?  In the bedroom of a woman with a jealous husband?  In prison?  I think I’ll go with the garden for the stage of my death scene.

Most people, if asked, will say they prefer to die at home.  Compared to the alternatives above, this is understandable.  Dying at home, though, can be inconvenient for others, especially if it is a prolonged process.  I really don’t like to be an inconvenience to others.

Do I really have much influence on where I will die?  Maybe a little. To die in a garden, you have to be in a garden.  By spending more time in a garden, I increase the chances that when death comes, that’s where I’ll be.

By expressing a preference for dying in a garden, I’m implicitly expressing a wish that my death be quick, sudden.  A long, lingering decline with a steadily diminishing quality of life is unpalatable.  A fatal stroke or heart attack while pulling weeds in the lettuce patch is much more convenient and dignified to me.

This is actually an incentive to be a better gardener.  By spending more time in the garden, I manage it better, observe and learn more, and add value by increasing its productivity and improving its appearance.  A Lebanese proverb says “The best fertilizer is the shadow of the gardener.”

I’ve also decided that my body should be cremated rather than embalmed.  Whether I get my wish or not, I like the thought that my ashes be added to the compost pile.  When well-composted, I, along with the green and brown stuff, will be returned to the garden to perform my final service.

There is also a pleasing cosmic and personal symmetry to dying in a garden.  Cosmically, we’re advised that humans originated in a garden.  It is pleasing, after much time away from the garden, to return on the occasion of death.

Personally, I spent much of my childhood in my mother’s and grandmother’s gardens.  I have happy thoughts about this.  After leaving those gardens for academic and career purposes, now behind me, I can think of little better to do than to return to such gardens.

Gardens are places of life nurtured by people.  But they are also places of death, implemented by gardeners.  This is called the harvest.  When it is time for me to be harvested, I’d like to be where the harvest is a blessing rather than a curse.

Eu (good)-thanos (death)-topia (place).  A garden is a good place to die—euthanatopia.

The Frame Gallery in Downtown Bryan, Texas.

Artist and gallery owner Greta Watkins arranges for a model

and we paint or draw.

This summer I have been doing pastels.

Here are some of my portraits from this summer of 2010.

Throughout the year I work thirty hours per week as a chaplain for Hospice

Brazos Valley.

During the school year I teach one painting class at Blinn College in Bryan,

Texas.

I often say that there is nothing like fifteen college students at the beginning of their lives

to balance all the good-bye in the rest of my life.

In the summer when I am not teaching at Blinn, I attend this portrait group.

I hope you have something in your life that balances your work and pain and brings you joy.

PERSONAL PRAISE HISTORY                                                                                                               Spring 2010

Wooing and forming God, I thank you for my EARLY CHRISTIAN FORMATION AND EDUCATION.

For Christian parents, pastors and Sunday School teachers.

For Aunts and cousins: Dot, Jean, Dottie, Mona, Florence, Susan.

For teachers in the Fairfield, Ohio school system.

For sight and taste and touch and hearing and smell.

For reading and music.

For J.B. Holloway who asked, “Have you ever thought about going to seminary?”

For seeing Bob in the Map Room at SBTS and for marriage.

For Frank Stagg and Wayne Oates.

For my first silent retreat.

For art education and learning about Bezalel and Oholiab.

For all these people and influences, I praise you, O, God.

God of all comfort, I thank you for COMFORT IN SORROW.

For your comforting presence during the deaths of parents and in-laws.

For being there at the diagnosis of my son’s disabilities and through every hospitalization.

For your care during Lew’s life and since Lew’s death.

For being with him, closer than his breath, in every cell – not causing his suffering but suffering with him.

For providing the Home of the Innocents and Kosair Children’s Hospital:

For Sheila and Dr. Holmes and Dawn, Pattie and Debbie and Cindy Salvucci.

For all this comfort and your supportive presence, I praise you, O, God.

Creator of all things both simple and grand, I thank you for large doses of the

ENJOYMENT OF NORMALCY.

For Judson’s health and enthusiasm for life.

For the blessed experience of being “JaysMom” and for being a Band parent .

I thank you for my other “children”: Kazuko and Jeanne and now

for college students at the dawn of their lives.

For all normal and typical things, I thank you, O, God.

God of Power and Blessing, I thank you especially for

SPIRITUAL SUSTENANCE.

For spiritual friends and guides: Craig, Rodney, Becky, Lorrie, Sister Kathleen, E.B., Don, Cam …

For exposure to great preaching in many places at many times.

For seminary education and chaplaincy training

And especially for prayer.

For all these spiritual blessings, I thank you, O, God.

Hard-working Creator God, I thank you for fulfilling EMPLOYMENT.

For the opportunity to be Artist-In-Residence at the Federal Correctional Institution

– and for not getting that first job at Asbury.

Then later for teaching at Asbury College.

For chaplaincy jobs at UK Medical Center and St. Francis Cabrini Hospital

And now for work at Hospice Brazos Valley and Blinn College.

For all the jobs I have had, I thank you.

Relational God, who reaches toward me and all human beings, I thank you for COMMUNITY.

For family.

For friends: Greta, Joan, my book club, Sister Kathleen, Peggy, Sunday School classes, Al-Anon friends and the Brazos Valley Emmaus Community.

For church friends in Hamilton, Ohio

And Lexington, Kentucky

and Alexandria, Louisiana

and Bryan/College Station, Texas.

I am so grateful for finding old friends on the Internet

And for Facebook so I don’t need to lose them again.

For these and all other blessings, I praise and thank you, God,

my Creator, Redeemer, Sustainer.

Amen.

– Cherry Winkle Moore

This year I was invited to present a program at “Sweet Spring Splendor,” a dessert fellowship planned by the Women’s Ministry Committee of First Baptist Church of College Station, Texas.

Several years ago when I was a very new member of this church and this community I had attended this event.  That day Rachel Norris gave the program.  She and her program made a big impression on me.  Rachel is a potter.  She uses a potter’s wheel to tell her story.  She forms a pot from a lump of clay and after telling of her rebellion from God as a young person, she destroys the pot.  The audience gasps.  Rachel goes on to tell how God drew her back to himself.  She continues to work on a platter as she talks.  At the end she turns it so that the audience can see.  The destroyed pot has been transformed into a beautiful platter that is decorated with a flourishing grapevine – just as Rachel’s life has been transformed.

SO…for a long time I have been pondering how to tell my story using my means.  Pictured here is the result.  Instead of trying to recreate my talk I will describe some of the major images.
On a large dry erase board I started with my time line.

Happy childhood: Christian parents, one older brother.

Marriage to Bob Moore.  Ten years of one or both of us in graduate school.
Proverbs 16:9
“A man’s heart devises his way; but God directs his steps.”

Birth of Lew Jessen Moore – an unexpected, right-angled turn. Lew had severe physical and mental disabilities.

Birth of Judson Lee Moore – a typically-developing strong-willed child.

On the far left: “Caregiver Stress” – Lew and Judson’s early years.

Lew’s hospitalizations and continual decline.

Right of center: “Lew and the Angel of Transition” – a dream I had of Lew in the arms of an angel ten days before he died.

Upper right: Lew’s resurrection, breaking through the water of life where he was having difficulty breathing into his new reality with God.

Further to right: Our tombstone where Lew’s cremated remains are buried and Bob’s and mine will be.  Mooringsport, Louisiana.

Center: A figure (you, me, anyone) standing in God’s hand, being sheltered under God’s wing.  We can choose to be there, standing securely during life’s storms, because of the work of Christ on the cross.  John 3:16

I ended by reading 1 Corinthians 15: 54 and following about resurrection.

Now that I have figured out how to tell my story using images and words I would love to have the opportunity to present this some more.
I have done another thing Rachel did: I have told God I will go anywhere God opens the door and do this (or a similar) presentation.  (I never repeat myself exactly two times in a row.)

Thank you, Rachel, for showing me an example of a creative, Christian woman employing the means God has given you.

Thank you, God, for your support and care even during the hardest times.

The Lord is my chaplain

I shall not lack comfort.

He makes me rest in the palm of his hand.

He leads me to quiet bedsides and to noisy nursing homes.

He refreshes my mind and spirit.

He leads me to the next patient for the sake of his glory.

Yea, though I walk through pain and sorrow filled with feelings of inadequacy

I will fear no evil for you are with me.

Your love and your grace reassure me.

You prepare a blessing for me in the presence of my patients.

You anoint my mind with peace.

My sense of well-being overflows.

Surely your comfort and your presence shall fill all the days of my life

And I shall rest in the shadow of your wings forever.

Cherry Winkle Moore
February 2010

I shall not lack beauty or instruction.

He makes me see the uniqueness in every face and object and situation.

He leads me to the next white canvas and to the next classroom of students.

He renews my vision and my energy.

He leads me in connecting lines to others for his name’s sake.

Yea, though I walk in darkness and even if blindness should come

I will fear no evil for you are with me.

Your confidence and ability sustain me.

You prepare an exhibit before me in the presence of scoffers.

You anoint my mind and hand and eye.

My Artist Self blossoms.

Surely inspiration and images shall fill all the days of my life

And I shall behold the beauty of the Lord forever.

Cherry Winkle Moore

February 2010

I’ll never forget the first day I knew Judson was going to be alright.

Lew was sitting in his first child-sized wheelchair in the family room of our Campbellsville, Kentucky house.  Suddenly Judson, who was just beginning to learn to walk, lumbered off toward the nearby kitchen.  I was curious to see what he was up to.  Lew drooled frequently and we usually kept a kitchen towel draped over the handle of his wheelchair so it would be available to wipe his mouth.  We also kept a towel treaded through the handle of the refrigerator for kitchen purposes.  As I watched, Judson retrieved the towel in the kitchen, toddled over to where Lew sat, reached up and wiped his brother’s mouth.  He saw his brother’s need and took care of it.

Another memory involved Lew’s wheelchair.  I would be pushing Lew’s wheelchair.  Judson would squeeze in between me and the back of the chair.  He would then raise his hands up so he could put them on the handles.  Then looking up at me he would say, “My job!”  It wasn’t easy to push Lew’s wheelchair with Judson in between but it became a common sight around Campbellsville College where Bob taught at the time.

Judson accompanied his parents (with and without his brother) on many trips to Frankfort, Kentucky, our state capitol, and to Washington DC to various disability conferences and advocacy meetings.  The last time we went to DC (to give testimony on the need for long term care at a Senate hearing) Judson complained, “Do we have to go to DC AGAIN?”

But several years later, when choosing a college major, the logical choice became Political Science.  He had met many politicians at every level of government.  His father ran for office twice.  Judson had shaken hands with Hillary Clinton and knew his way around the halls of power.  On a trip to our nation’s capitol with other Political Science students, Judson became a tour guide for the group in some places the professor didn’t know.  He even ran into some politicians he knew in the Senate Office Building.

Judson has become a person who is comfortable with people of all ages and from all types of social positions with all kinds of ability levels.  I have observed that he is a good friend to his friends.  His open and accepting social skills were present from his earliest days.

He was a good brother to his brother.

HAVE YOU REACHED A VERDICT?

Habakkuk 3:17-19
Community Thanksgiving Service, November 24, 2009

I don’t know how much you know about Habakkuk.  He’s not exactly on the Mount Rushmore of Bible characters or even Old Testament prophets.  But, obscure though he may be, he has, I believe, a very powerful message in his short 3-chapter book.  I think his message will be more meaningful to you if I give you a bit of background information.

Habakkuk lived during a very difficult time in Israel’s history.  The Babylonians were invading the country, doing what Babylonians seemed to do best – robbing, murdering, kidnapping, pillaging.

And so Habakkuk’s book begins right away with a complaint to God: “God, why do you tolerate this wrong?”  And right away Habakkuk gets an answer.  He senses God telling him, the Babylonians were His idea to bring reproof and correction to Israel.

But then you read a second complaint from Habakkuk that says, in effect, “Okay, message received, lesson learned.  It’s time to get rid of these men.”  And then apparently there comes a period silence from God.  No action is taken.

And then Habakkuk gets this message from God which we read in Habakkuk 2:2-4:

Then the Lord replied:

Write down the revelation so that a herald may run with it.
For the revelation awaits an appointed time: it speaks to the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay.
See, he is puffed up; his desires are not upright—but the righteous will live by his faith

The message in crystallized form was this: “Habakkuk, you are just going to have to tell the people to hold on.”

That is neither inspiring nor helpful to most people, especially to someone who is at the end of their rope.  But God says something else to Habakkuk:   “In the meantime, there will be a sifting process that will take place among the Jewish nation.  Those who were only paying God lip-service will eventually quit even that form of worship.  But the truly righteous will live by their faithfulness.  Good will be served.”

Now as a fellow preacher I realize how vulnerable Habakkuk must have felt to not have any miraculous event or any great story of deliverance to point to and show the people how close God was.  To sincerely tell people over and over again, “God says, ‘Hold on’” must have made Habakkuk feel inadequate.  I know that.

But there’s something else I know.  I know of the tremendous value there is in be coming the kind of person who can truly be called ‘faithful to God’, tested by life’s hardships and still devoted to being a person of integrity and goodness. I find at this stage of my life that personally I am inspired by deeply devoted people.  Many has been the time in my pastorate when just seeing some family in our church who maintains their integrity in the face of deep difficulty has made me think to myself, “As long as we have people like that around here, I am going to keep on giving it my best.”

I know how vulnerable Habakkuk felt and so I realize how fortifying it was for him to say what we read at the end of this book; that regardless of how anyone else responded to this difficult crisis, he knew how HE was going to respond—

“Though the fig tree does not bud
And there are no grapes on the vines,
Though the olive crop fails
And the fields produce no food,
Though there are no sheep in the pen
And no cattle in the stalls
Yet I will rejoice in the Lord
I will be joyful in God, my Savior.”

Read into that Habakkuk’s conviction that God has already proven Himself sufficiently enough so that he can say, “My mind is made up.  The verdict is in: God is there and He is a Rewarder of those who serve Him.” And I’ll continue to believe that regardless of what’s ahead.

Now before you conclude from that beautiful statement of Habakkuk’s that that was pure nobility on his part and that there was nothing for him to personally gain by his loyalty, I would just remind you that there is a lot to be gained by reaching a point in life where you say, “For me, the verdict is in.  God is there and God is good. And I am going to serve him regardless of what is up ahead.”

Let me point out two blessings that come from this “come what may” loyalty to God.  The first blessing is the blessing of becoming a person of constant gratitude—a person full of thanks to God even when there are no cattle in the stalls.  I have found that gratitude is not just a key to life.  It is a Master key – one that unlocks several things, not just one.

For one thing, you cannot stop and dwell on how good life is and how good God is and at the same time harbor negative emotions like resentment and hatred and anger.

Someone has said, gratitude turns what we have into enough and more.  Nothing will allow you to enjoy material things like gratitude.

And, I’ve found that nothing relieves stress like spending time being grateful.  Many of us are geared so that we are constantly focused on the next hill to climb or the next goal to be achieved.  We stay so focused on the progression that we never stop and enjoy what we have.  To practice the attitude of gratitude requires that we bring all of that “onward, forward” thinking to a halt and you stop and enjoy the fruits of labor.

The other evening I was in Lowe’s.  Now Lowe’s, by its very nature of being a home improvement center, means that whenever I am in there, I am in the mode of thinking that is onward and forward.  But this time it happened that just as I was about to enter the store, there was this elderly couple exiting.  The man was using a walker and, of course, was leaving the store rather slowly.  But this was a couple that was very gracious.  They were apologetic about their slowness.  It made me want to stop and talk with them to let them know I didn’t mind their slowness at all.  When we were done talking about this and that, I patted the man on his shoulder and said, “Good-bye” and he said right back to me, “Well, go on in there and have a great time.”  It was all very pleasant and another reminder of how gratitude always brings relief from the “Go, go, go,” way of thinking.

There is one other benefit I would like to point out to you that comes to anyone who arrives at Habakkuk’s level of devotion to God – his come-what-may loyalty: the blessing of personal security.

There is something very settling to arrive at the point where your decisions about God and His goodness are no longer up for grabs; no longer waiting for any more proofs to come in.  The fact is, if we are waiting for enough proofs to gain complete certainty, we will wait our whole lives and never enjoy the blessings that come from having a settled confidence about matters of faith.

To go ahead and make up your mind about God’s goodness, that’s really what trust is all about, isn’t it?  I can tell you firsthand the tremendous blessings that come from being in a relationship with someone that you trust, where you don’t stress about what you don’t know and you don’t change your convictions about that person.  What does it mean when the husband or wife comes home later than they were supposed to?  Well, what it might mean when it’s someone you trust, is a shorter list than when there is no trust.

There are a lot of blessings that come with arriving at Habakkuk’s place of trust in God, with being a thankful person come what may – gratitude and security being two things at the top of that list.

As some of you know, our oldest son passed away two years ago from a rare form of bone cancer.  I remember as the time drew nearer to the end that I began having these questions in my mind that mainly had to do with the protocol of having a child pass away.  I know this will sound almost foolish to you, but I remember wondering if his passing meant that we would have to take down all the pictures we had of him and if I would have to be careful after his death not to make any mention of him in conversations with outsiders.  Those were just silly concerns that I had very briefly.

The answers to those concerns, of course, was that there is no protocol.  It was up to us.  His pictures adorn our walls and we speak of him often with wonderful ongoing affection.

But I also remember wondering if, after he passed, would I be obligated to change my demeanor – would I have to become more serious, and yes, I wondered if I would inevitably become more embittered.

I came to see that the answer to that question was taken care of for me long before Spencer’s passing, in fact before he even had cancer.  God has proven Himself to me many, many times and even though two years ago our crops didn’t come in the way we had hoped and the fruit we wanted and prayed for never appeared on the vine, that didn’t  change what we had already found to be true of God.  It was the same thing Habakkuk said about Him – salvation comes from the Lord.

Habakkuk expressed what God had done for him in the past with very colorful language.

“He makes my feet like the feet of the deer
He enables me to go on the heights.”

Having lived in Colorado growing up, I’ve spent some time above timberline in the mountains.  I watched with amazement bighorn sheep climb sure-footed along some rather precarious mountainsides.  It’s all in the feet.

Habakkuk thought that was a pretty apt description of what God had done for himself.  Living the truly good life in this world with all of the tugging temptations and all of the potential pitfalls can get awfully precarious.  It’s tough to live your life at above average levels.  And slipping and falling from your ideals can make it awfully hard sometimes for you to even want to dust yourself off and try again.

Habakkuk, though could tell you of times when just at the right moment, just when he started to slide, God gave him new feet to climb with.  A prayer was answered, a friend came by and spoke just the right words or the presence of God’s Spirit came from nowhere and chased away all of his discouragement.

And so Habakkuk is telling us that nothing that might happen to him up ahead could change what God had already done.  So for him, the verdict is in – God is alive and God is good.

What about you?  I’m speaking now to that place in your life, your personal jury room, where you settle the fundamental questions of life:  My question to you is, Have you reached a verdict?

Let me tell you as one who has been given deer’s feet to keep me standing in high places, to settle for yourself that God is and that God is good – that is a very good place to be.

________

Rev. Lonnie Green is pastor of Church of the Nazarene in Bryan, Texas.

THE DREAM

I am in a big house with a lot of women when most of them get up and leave. I have the sense that we have been invited to visit some neighbors. Another woman and I start following the now-distant group to a nearby neighborhood. We see lots of small Jewish flags stuck in the ground. It becomes clear these four or five large, lovely houses are a Jewish enclave. The families have invited their neighbors to come to an open house.

We are approached by a handsome dark-haired man in an expensive grey silk suit. It is obvious that he and I know one another already. Our friendship – and maybe even courtship – didn’t just begin with this dream. He comes up beside me and hugs me tightly to himself with one arm. “You didn’t know I lived here, did you?”

“No.”

“That’s my house over there. Let me show you.”

He and I go around to the back of the house and enter a large room. There is what looks like a large indoor swimming pool but the “floor” is only five inches or so down from the edge. The floor area is painted with a modern blue and white design and there is only a couple of inches of water. We take our shoes off, step into the “pool” and playfully walk to the other end. At the far end we step out.

He says, “Kind of a funny pool isn’t it — with so little water?”

“Yes.”

“Watch this!” He pushes a control and the bottom of the pool begins to move down and more water rushes in.

“It can be as much as ten feet deep, if people want to dive. I usually keep it at about four feet for lap swimming.”

“I lap swim,” I say.

He looks at me. “You didn’t know about this, did you?”

“No! I haven’t been looking for a rich guy with a lap pool!”

“I know you haven’t, but you seem to have found one.”

He seems absolutely delighted that I am someone who likes him who doesn’t know about his wealth, who hasn’t been seeking his friendship because of his riches.

I give him a peck of a kiss on the lips. I wake up as he is about to deliver another kiss, not a peck.

DREAMWORK

I had this dream in September of 2009. I shared it with my Spiritual Director. She looked like she wanted to say something about it but held her tongue. Later that week I shared it with a dear friend who is a nun. She told me she had heard someone say that dreams of being courted are often about the soul seeking God.

The next time I saw my Spiritual Director I told her this. She smiled. “That is what I almost said last time but I wanted you to uncover that yourself.” She went on to say, “I’ve gotten to know you well enough that I would say that in your case these dreams are not about your soul seeking God but about you finding God. I think this one is more about God finding you, showing that God wants to care for you and to give you riches and even luxuries.”

I had written the dream in the past tense. She encouraged me to read it in the present tense (as I have now written it above.) I read it and we laughed all the way through. What a joy to think of that person as God, wooing me!

A few other related ideas from my dream work:

What about all the other women? God loves them, too, but this dream is about my personal relationship with God and God’s relationship with me.

Might the two friends on the journey relate to the two on the road to Emmaus?

“Backdoor friends are best.” We enter his house by the back door not through the formal entrance.

Water is often a symbol of the self. Is it here? The water of life? Abundance of water. Something about baptism? Or purification? Or play?

My God is a Jewish man…in an expensive silk suit!

What else might be here?

Do you work on your dreams?

]]> http://cherrywinklemoore.com/2009/12/dreamwork-god-pursuing-me-finding-me/feed/ 0 http://cherrywinklemoore.com/2009/12/drawings-drawing-a-hopeful-future/ http://cherrywinklemoore.com/2009/12/drawings-drawing-a-hopeful-future/#comments Sun, 27 Dec 2009 22:16:31 +0000 admin http://cherrywinklemoore.com/?p=399

I found this drawing in a 1994 sketchbook: a family portrait with an imagined future.

Reading from left to right:

My mother, in an Ohio nursing home, seriously declining from dementia – already headed off the family stage.

Me, overweight, weighed down by cares concerning Lew (in a Louisville nursing home and not likely to be able to come home) and cares concerning Jay, 11 – typical in development but with all the stresses of adolescence on him and on us.

My father, sad, lonely, trying to be strong and hopeful in the midst of these family stresses.

My spouse, sad, stressed, trying to be strong and hopeful in the midst of these family stresses….

A future “me.”  Teaching, preaching maybe, having an active art career.  Not overweight or weighed down by life.

Here at the end of 2009 I have just finished reading Donald Miller’s A Million Miles in a Thousand Years: What I Learned While Editing My Life.   He talks a lot about getting stuck in your story and imagining a next and better chapter.  A friend who lent me the book asked me “Can you imagine how God may want to bless the next chapter of your life?”

At this moment I am having some difficulty with that question but this drawing tells me that sixteen years ago I imagined a hopeful future.  Of course there was a lot of pain involved in getting here: mother died, son died, father died, Judson launched, marriage stressed.

BUT my current life looks a lot like the drawing on the right: thinner and in better health, fulfilling work in ministry, art career including teaching.

How would I draw my hopeful next chapter today?  How would you?